Behind The Scenes -3 Bolti Kahani

It dawned on me that I was, in effect, lying to myself about what I was doing. Either I didn’t have the courage of my convictions, or my convictions were something other than I’d thought they were.Part of the problem, in fact perhaps the entire problem, was that I was totally unsure of myself with regard to ANYTHING, except for wanting to be a doctor. That was true even about my singing, which everyone seemed to love, but which I didn’t want to do in public. Why? Perhaps if I figured out the answer to THAT question, I might understand myself better.Liz’s words came back to me again — You always run away! It’s what you do best! and Coward! — and ultimately, that did define me. I WAS a coward. Or perhaps it was better to say I lacked self-confidence and I hated confrontation. And in that realization, I wondered if I could actually do the RA job. I wanted it because of the financial advantage, but could I actually DO the job? Was I willing to step into confrontations and help resolve. "What happened?" I asked once I was calm enough to form words.She leaned down and kissed my temple, "You started calling out to your wife and kids and thrashing around something fierce." The house was on fire. There was smoke everywhere and I couldn't find the door to get to the kids or Sam. I was lost in the fire and smoke." With my head on the pillow, I tried to calm my breathing. "I'm sorry that I woke you. I don't usually have dreams that intense and I don't ever cry out like that."Ashlee put her head on my chest, her arm across my body and threw a leg over mine. "It's ok. You have been through so much lately; I am surprised you don't have more like that." She just held me as I calmed down."Thank you for being here for me." Don't worry about it; I'm here for you just like you are here for me. I love you, bad dreams and all." I love you too honey." We held each other until my conscience mind reminded me that I had been asleep for several hours and that my bladder could hold only so.
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